A study based on Gary Chapman's books,
The Five Love Languages
&
The Five Love Languages of Children.
(John 13:34-35 NIV) "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. {35} By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
(1 Cor 13:11-13 NIV) When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. {12} Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. {13} And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
(1 Cor 14:1 NIV) Follow the way of love and eagerly desire spiritual gifts, especially the gift of prophecy.
(1 John 3:18 NIV) Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
(1 John 4:7-8 NIV) Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. {8} Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
Dt 10:9; Mt 22:39; Jn 15:12; Ro 12:9 We are commanded to love.
How do you express and receive love? (See worksheet)
Children need unconditional love. Children p. 21-22.
I assume that kids primarily need from their parents:
To feel loved
Safety and security
To learn how to have healthy relationships
An example of a disciplined life
A heritage of faith
Outline
Introduction
Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
Love Language #2: Quality Time
Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts
Love Language #4: Acts of Service
Love Language #5: Physical Touch
Discovering One Another’s Primary Love Language
How do you Express and Receive Love?
Write your name on the back of this sheet. Answer the following questions as specifically as you can. Realize that this paper will be read by someone else in our group and will help you to apply what we will be learning at a later session.
How did your parents show they love you? When were the times you felt most loved by them?
How do you express love to your spouse (or a close friend)?
3. How do you express love to your children?
What happens to love after the wedding?
Why is it that so many seem to loose love after marriage?
People speak different love languages.
Like Japanese, Chinese, Spanish …
We grow up learning a primary language from our parents and siblings.
We must be willing to learn to speak our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.
There are 5 love languages, each with various dialects.
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary love language. Less seldom do families share the same primary love languages.
We use the word love in 1,000 different ways. List at least five ways of using the word love.
I love hot dogs.
I love my mother.
I love my pet.
I've fallen in love.
(Explaining an adulterous relationship) I did it because I love her.
We need love.
Psychologists agree.
Studies with monkeys.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Love is essential to our emotional health.
The Love Tank
"Inside every child is an 'emotional tank' waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave." Dr. Ross Campbell
Ashley p. 21, 22
"At the heart of mankind's existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love." Gary Chapman
Quotes p. 22
Solitary confinement is seen as one of the most cruel punishments.
What does it mean to be "one flesh"?
(Gen 2:18-25 NIV) The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." {19} Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. {20} So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. {21} So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. {22} Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. {23} The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, ' for she was taken out of man." {24} For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. {25} The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
"I am convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile." Chapman, p. 24.
Falling in Love
List words that describe falling in love:
Janice p. 27, 28.
Dr. Dorothy Tennov’s comments stating that it won't last, p. 30,31.
What happens to squelch the in-love experience?
We were given false information even before we fell in-love which led to unrealistic expectations: that the in-love feeling would last. ("Happily ever after")
It's good it doesn't last! People in love may lose sight of all else!
UCSB group's concerns, high school couple at a retreat
It's an illusion that we have an intimate relationship. "It doesn't focus on our growth or the development of the other person. Rather, it gives us a sense that we have arrived." P. 33
It naturally wears down as reality sets in.
If we fell in love, and now realize we were fooled into "signing on the dotted line" for marriage, what should we do?
More & more, people opt to split. Does this help bring about healthier relationships later?
1st Marriages: 40% end in divorce
2nd Marriages: 60% end in divorce
3rd Marriages: 75% end in divorce
Do we "stick it out", nobly resigned to a life of misery with our spouse?
Third alternative: "recognize the in-love experience for what it was -- a temporary emotional high -- and now pursue 'real love' with our spouse."
Emotional but not obsessional
Unites reason with emotion
Involves discipline and the need for personal growth
It is a choice, not an instinct
From the following passage, underline the aspects of love that are things we choose to do, rather than things that just happen to us. Compare your list with someone’s next to you.
(1 Cor 13 NIV) If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. {2} If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. {3} If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. {4} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. {5} It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. {6} Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. {7} It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. {8} Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. {9} For we know in part and we prophesy in part, {10} but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. {11} When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. {12} Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. {13} And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
When our spouse feels secure in our love, they will move toward greater growth and joy. When their love tank is full they will be better able to impact their world with love. When their love tank is empty, they feel used and worthless, their world feels dark and oppressive. In the next few sections we will discuss how discovering your love languages can enable you to more effectively care for your spouse through communicating love in ways they can understand.
Summary of Key Principles
Pure love is unconditional. We are to strive for pure love in our relationships.
Just because love is sent does not mean that it is received.
We each have a primary love language.
Our love language is that form of communication where we most easily "hear" and receive love.
We benefit from love received from all five languages, but especially from our primary language.
We can be hurt deeply when our primary love language is used against us.
A person’s criticisms and complaints can be major clues to what their primary love language is. P. 97
Our primary love language may change over time.
We have "love tanks" that need to be regularly filled.
We need to learn to speak our loved ones’ primary love languages.
When children feel loved (have a full love tank), they are much more likely to be able to receive guidance and discipline without resentment.
Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
"I can live for two months on a good compliment." -- Mark Twain
The squirrel that shut down New York
Quick thinking
Referring to the passages on the left, use the space at the right to jot down ways our words affect others.
| (Prov 18:19-21 NIV) An
offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified
city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a
citadel. {20} From the fruit of his mouth a man's stomach
is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is
satisfied. {21} The tongue has the power of life and
death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. (Prov 12:18 NIV) Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Prov 12:25 NIV) An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up. (Eph 4:29 NIV) Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (James 3:9-10 NIV) With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. {10} Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. |
Verbal Compliments; Words of Praise
Focus is on something they do that is under their control.
"You look sharp in that suit."
"Do you ever look nice in that dress! Wow!"
"You must be the best potato cook in the world. I love these potatoes."
"I really appreciate your washing the dishes tonight."
Thanks for getting the baby-sitter lined up tonight. I want you to know I don't take that for granted."
"I really appreciate your taking the garbage out."
"You really listened well to your friend as they were sharing their frustrations."
Share an example with the group of words that have built you up.
Cheryl's objection.
Example pp. 40-43
Encouraging Words (Encourage = to inspire courage)
Focus is on who they are.
"Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse's perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse." P. 44
"Only when a person wants to lose weight can you give her encouragement. Until she has the desire, your words will fall into the category of preaching." P. 44
Kind Words
Tone is crucial! Say, "I would be delighted to do the dishes tonight." in two different ways.
Humble Words
Love makes requests, not demands.
Compliance with demands may not be an expression of love!
"You know those apple pies you make? Would it be possible for you to make one this week? I love those apple pies." Versus: "Haven't had an apple pie since the baby was born. Don't guess I'll get any more apple pies for eighteen years!"
When you make a request, are you affirming his or her abilities? Are you making a demand where it's a power struggle or are you making a request, where they have the choice to respond, with no strings attached? Requests create the possibility for an expression of love.
Indirect Words
How you speak about a loved one not in their presence can have a great impact for blessing or curse.
Bill & Betty, pp. 50-53
F) Words of Guidance (especially with children)
In the Garden of Eden, was the nature of God’s guidance more positive ("you may do this") or more negative ("you may not do this")?
"Parents who offer words of loving guidance will be looking closely at the interests and abilities of their children and giving positive vervbal reinforcement of those interests." Children p. 52
Children quotes p. 55
Words of condemnation will deeply hurt this person!
Things to Consider
Think back on the past few days. What specifically have you said to your spouse? If someone else were listening, how might they understand your words? Would they find them to be often supportive, critical, or demanding?
Discuss with your spouse what you say to your children. Evaluate the degree of praise and positive guidance you give.
Love Language #2: Quality Time
In our culture, quality time is neither!
Real quality time is when we give someone our undivided attention.
"Have you ever noticed that in a restaurant, you can almost always tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple? Dating couples look at each other and talk. Married couples sit there and gaze around the restaurant. You'd think they went there to eat!" P. 56
Bill & Betty, pp. 56-7
Children: Ben p. 12-15
What do you want to do on your vacation Bert? "I want to do what my kids want to do."
Daughter to Bert, "Listen with your eyes".
Togetherness
Combined focused attention.
Joe plus the TV = a lousy conversation!
Quality Conversation
A genuine attempt to understand the other person's thoughts, feelings, and desires.
Patrick, p. 61,2 What did Patrick's wife really need from him?
"Many of us … are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve." P. 62
What are some tips we could give someone wanting to become a better listener?
What are some tips we could give someone wanting to become better at sharing about themselves?
Quality Activities
Anything in which one or both of you has an interest.
"One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead." P. 70.
Tips for parents:
Find time to be alone with each child. (Children p. 62, Susanna Wesley)
Positive eye contact
Reveal your history and family stories
Plan around meal times
Consider overnight trips
Schedule it on your calendar
Quotes Children p. 68, 69
The Morgan Family’s Quality activities.
Things to Consider
For you and your spouse or you and your family, isolate two or three experiences that brought you very close and are a source of continuing fond memories. Plan a new event that has strong "memory" potential.
What are some things you can do with your spouse or other loved ones on a regular basis? Make a commitment to do at least two of these in the next month.
Look back upon the last major problem or challenge your spouse faced. Write out ways you could have better achieved the following: (a) less advice and more sympathy; (b) more understanding and fewer solutions; (c) more questions and fewer conclusions; (d) more attention to the person and less to the problem.
Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts
Yuri & Joyce
Share about a gift you received as a child. What made it so special?
With a few people around you, come up with at least three things or principles for how to show someone love through the giving of a gift.
"Gifts are visual symbols of love." P. 75
Gifts and Money; Spenders versus Savers p. 77
The Gift of Self: "Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts. Your body becomes the symbol of your love." P. 80
Janice & Jim p. 81-4
Mallory & Meredith, Children p. 72
Children know the difference between a gift and a bribe.
Words of Caution: "In our rushed and affluent society, with fathers often away from home most of the children’s waking hours and with more than half of the mothers working outside of the home, there is a tremendous amount of guilt about not spending enough time with family. As a substitute for their personal involvement with their children, many parents go overboard in buying gifts. Such parents are trying to use gift-giving as a cure-all for their out-of-control lifestyle." Children p. 75
Dad & Disneyland
Amy’s Ring, Children p. 78,9
Things to Consider
What gifts have you given your spouse that were particularly appreciated? If this is his or her primary language, decide to give one token of love, however small, in line with those preferences each week for the next month.
Are there situations that your presence is especially important to your spouse or children?
Discuss with your spouse ways you may already be monitoring gift giving and how you can make this an even greater expression of love in your family.
Love Language #4: Acts of Service
"… doing things you know your spouse would like you to do." P. 87
Make a list of things you know your spouse or a close loved one wants you to do. Be specific and practical.
What specific and practical signs of love do you see in these passages?
(John 13:1-5 NIV) It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love. {2} The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. {3} Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; {4} so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. {5} After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
(John 13:12-15 NIV) When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. {13} "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. {14} Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. {15} I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.
(Luke 7:44-47 NIV) Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. {45} You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. {46} You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. {47} Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."
Mary & Mark p. 93
"What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage." P. 95
"My spouse’s criticisms about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her primary love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love." P. 97
"Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love." P. 92
How I react when I feel told how to act …
How Cheryl reacts …
Doormat versus Lover p. 98
"Remember, there are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes. But there are tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of your spouse." P. 99
"Parenting is a service-oriented vocation. The day you found out that you would have a child, you enrolled for full-time service. Your contract called for a minimum of eighteen years of service with an understanding that you would be on active reserve for several years after that." Children p. 83, 4.
In order to serve well, we must pay attention to our own physical and emotional needs.
A deep question: As a parent, who are we really serving and for what purpose?
Stewardship
Gospel
If we lose site of this it will be easy to raise self-centered children who really don’t respect God.
Me & Dishes
How do we teach children how to speak this language?
Our serving them must be age appropriate. Do not do for them what they can do themselves.
Hospitality & family reaching out
Things to Consider:
Choose three simple but humble tasks that you don’t especially like but know your spouse would be pleased to see completed. Surprise your spouse by doing them without being asked.
Many couples feel that they have overcome gender role stereotypes in their relationship but unconscious bias still remains. Discuss your deepest feelings about sharing all activities and your family history in this regard.
Think back to when you were courting your spouse. What made them feel special? Can you keep doing it?
Love Language #5: Physical Touch
Rhesus monkeys.
(Mark 10:13-16 NIV) People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. {14} When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. {15} I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." {16} And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.
The Corruption of Touch
Touch is more than sexual.
"Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her." P. 106
Sarah versus Allison
Joey: Children p. 40
Things to Consider:
Perhaps you and your spouse have never openly shared with one another the types of touching you find pleasurable. Discuss the emotional, sexual, and psychological dimensions related to all these areas of the body.
"To spank or not to spank" is a sensitive issue with some families. For children with physical touch as a primary language, this issue is particularly important. Discuss your spanking policy or non-policy with regard to each of your children’s love language.
Discuss what times it is especially important to be with your spouse and children. These will probably include crisis situations, but also consider what special events or activities where they also want you close at hand. Is hugging or other physical expression also important to them at these times?
Discovering One Another’s Primary Love Language
Return How do you Express and Receive Love? Worksheet. Evaluate someone else’s sheet and for each statement they make, write a letter corresponding to the love language that seems most expressed by the statement. For Words of Affirmation write "W", Quality Time "QT", Receiving Gifts "G", Acts of Service "A", and Physical Touch "T".
Clues for discovering your own primary language:
What does a loved one do or not do that hurts you most deeply?
What type of things do you most often request of your spouse?
In what way do you most regularly express love to your spouse?
What first attracted you to your spouse or made you think that he or she cared for you?
Recognize differences between male and female sexual responses. For men, sexual response is generally linked to physical contact. A man’s desire for sexual contact should not be confused with physical touch being his primary love language.
Clues for discovering your child’s primary language:
Pay close attention to how they express love to you and others.
Listen to what they request most often.
Consider what they complain about most.
Give them choices. P. 103
Do not "peg" them into a box. Remember, their language may change as they grow.
Be careful discussing the languages with teenagers. They could use them against you! Dan p. 108,9.
Run an experiment. If it is still hard to understand what most communicates love to your child, make a best guess of what their primary love language is. Attempt to practice showing love in specific ways in this language for the next two weeks. See if it makes a difference. If not, try another language for another two weeks.
